Then and Now

Then,
life was great
we lived on edge
everyday we could
despite the crater
lying between our feets
despite the drowning ocean
floating between our hearts
life was great
although we had tried
although we gave up
it refused to last
it refused to remain great
the binding lights have dimmed
the promised stars had vanished
the candles of death crept up
to our feeble young feets
and to our mindless hearts
and blown out our lights
with a wind of grudges and regrets
all because of this very
crater and ocean
am i wrong my love?
maybe so

Now,
i could have it all again
as you already do
my lights are beginning to spark
my stars are lit
dim, yet vibrant in my heart
but not because of you
not because of your smile
the candles of death
are all burnt out
but so are we
she has offered me light
she has offered me stars
she has offered me candles
not of death but of hope
she has offered me
something of which you didnt
something of which you couldnt
but i faulter
because of you,
not your touch
or your once loving eyes
but the crater and ocean
we once had
it terrifies me
to read again a tragedy
am i of such cowardice?
maybe so

Inevitable Night (Part 8.5-Alternate ending)

The anticipated night had reluctantly crept up amongst them... The inevitable was finally here. It was time for them to face the reality whether it be harsh or not...The night brought about a clear glittery sky full of stars and hope... William had arranged for a quiet beach starlit dinner...it was nostalgic, reminding them of their first romantic date, where they still had the passion and eagerness of young love... Now as they sit across each other, where they had once made passionate love, with the presence of the eagerness and the absence of the passion... They both had secrets that night, William's was in a black box crept up in his pocket; her's were at the tip of her tongue, both yearning to let it all out...

The unbearable restlessness forces them both to call out to each other, clashing tongues cause them to pause... "You go first hun" William said; he had already waited this long, he was willing to wait forever for her... "Alrite" she says, she takes a deep breath, inhaling all the insecurity and deceit and acquainted lies along with the sweet familiar smell of William's musky cologne... As she exhales, she realized she was the cause...it was as if she had exhaled the toxication of the insecurity and dishonesty... she was lyin to herself all this while, she was the cause... She glanced back into William's eyes, looking deep into his soul, as if already begging for forgiveness... "It is my fault, I havent been fully honest with you William..." William stops her right there... He had long realized his naive illusion... He had long understood her illicit affairs... He had long known her unfaithfulness yet, at that time, he refused to know; he always had hope and passion(and an illusion) to overcome such small details...Now, the truth lays right before them...

William finally allows his reason to overcome his illusion of hope... As she continues, "I'm not worthy William, I have strayed while you were away and I was confused and...." William stands up... While his hands were reaching into his pocket, he thought of what had had him striving all this time, he thought of all he had before and all that was him... it was her... Her loving touch, her familiar smell, her stunning smile, her one-of-a-kind charisma...and most importantly her once undoubted loyalty. His loyalty had kept him going for years, yet she had failed to understand that, she had failed to do the same...

He reaches into his pocket while exhaling such passion which was once mistaken to be love... In his hands, a black box...He gracefully walks toward her as if there were no complications whatsoever... He stops right in front of her, kneels down on a knee... looks right into those eyes he had once yearned for while he held her warm yet trembling hands... There was a pause as he glanced right inot her eyes, as if to forever remember what he had fought for, what he would have died for...He had a calm smile on his face, one she was bound never to forget...He gently pulled out her hand, placing the black box in her anxious sweaty palms... He leans over to her ear and whispers "I love you baby"...He stands up and walks away...A tear flows down her cheek, she was awestruck, swept off her feet by his words, yet buried by guilt and shame... She opens the black box to find a folded letter of some sought... written in it "I had always known you had brought other men to feel your womb as I did yet I never wanted to acknowledge it, now I'm forced to..and I'm the only one to be blamed, I had left you, I had abandoned you. This is now the last time I'll ever have you hurt by me again...I'm sorry, Lucy, I've always loved you and always will"

Inevitable Night(Part 8)

The anticipated night had reluctantly crept up amongst them... The inevetable was finally here. It was time for them to face the reality whether it be harsh or not...

The night brought about a clear glittery sky full of stars and hope... William had arranged for a quiet beach starlit dinner...it was nostalgic, reminding them of their first romantic date, where they still had the passion and eagerness of young love... Now as they sit across each other, where they had once made passionate love, with the presence of the eagerness and the absence of the passion... They both had secrets that night, William's was in a black box crept up in his pocket; her's were at the tip of her tongue, both yearning to let it all out...

The unbearable restlessness forces them both to call out to each other, clashing tongues cause them to pause... "You go first hun" William said; he had already waited this long, he was willing to wait forever for her... "Alrite" she says, she takes a deep breath, inhaling all the insecurity and deceit and acquainted lies along with the sweet familiar smell of William's musky cologne... As she exhales, she realized she was the cause...it was as if she had exhaled the toxication of the insecurity and dishonesty... she was lyin to herself all this while, she was the cause... She glanced back into William's eyes, looking deep into his soul, as if already begging for forgiveness... "It is my fault, I havent been fully honest with you William..." William stops her right there... He had finally grew out of his naive illusions...

He glanced into her eyes, full of guilt and shame, as if her heart was being ripped out by the Angel of Death for such a wretched sin... He could not bare to hear her last words... He could not bare to hear her say it... He could not bare to know that she had been defiled by another man, in fact many other men... He knew she was sorry, she was begging for forgiveness... At that moment, he slipped his hand off hers... William was never one to shed a tear, but at that moment, he couldnt do anythin but... She grabbed his hand out of desperation... He looked at her in disgust and dismay, pulling his hand back as if her hands were of fire and ice...

That was it... "I trusted you, I pained for you, I ached for you, I loved you.." William reluctantly says... He reaches into the depths of his pocket, dragging out a black box... "I loved you.." With his final words, he lays the black box on the table and walks away...He didnt care where, as long as it was away from her

She reaches for the box, on it writes "My love, for all eternity" She weeps, once again, alone but this time, there were no other guys, there were no awaiting letters, just her and this black box... She slowly opened the box, weeping more and more, louder and louder, every inch it opened... As she expected, an engagement ring awaited in the box, on it writes, "Thank you for awaiting me, my love" She wails histerically as she had just grasped the significance of the mistakes she had made, all those weary illicit nights had led to this one night, this one inevitable night...

The First Date (Part 7)

She was just as anxious as William... for this was to be their first date(since he came home anyways)...their first sense of intimacy to console their insecurity...or thats what they thought anyways. She's hysterically excited yet confusingly baffled... She knew that she could no longer keep the truth from William. This was the night where all would be revealed.. The night where William will choose to forgive her or forget her... The night where truth rips through all lies and deceit...This was the night...

She was not the only one excited and anxious... William had his own little surprise too...Tonight was the night where he would have it all or nothing at all... The awkward emotions between them...the hesitated routines... "it was my fault" he thought.. All this time William had blamed himself for his "inadequacy" as a companion..That was always Will's strength ...and weakness. He had a self imposed responsiblity which often forced him to blame himself..Now, he saw his absence as the problem and looked to commitment as the answer... the ultimate commitment in fact - marriage... He decided to propose to her that night...that supposedly romantic night which he had planned out with such precision... it was now or never because they both knew this relationship was goin down the depths of the deepest ruins...

Both William and his beloved were about to find out the truth and the commitment...

Misconceptions of Love (Part 6)

Despite the comfort, despite the security, despite William, deceit is the only plague in her dreams. William is home, yet its still not the same. She used to embrace him with such affection, such devotion, such warmth but now...it wasn't the same. The usual peck on the cheek was given only through hesitated routine. Her hands used to caress his somewhat unrefined cheeks with absolute passion, now she had lost that sense of amore. At night, she was accustomed to embracing his coarse body. The body which was, to her, once magnificent and robust...now merely indifferent. All this changes, not in actions but in the passion of the action, happened not because she had lost interest in him. No... no thats far too pathetic. It was her, her distress, her indecision, her deceit that had made her feel "no less than she should" she thought. All those promiscuos nights, those fornicated nights, those cursed nights... all those lies... she was unworthy. Logic was of no consolation right now for she had surpassed rationality. Her abominable "replacement" (as she once thought) of William had degraded her to that of an unworthy trollop. She could not bare the thought of accepting such allegiance from William but at the same time, she loved him dearly. She refused to let go of him; his keen smile, his fond gaze, his amity... So, this being said, she thought "that's all I can do for now"... that's all she can do; to detach, to sever, to live divvied, yet to love, to hope and to embrace what's left of the ruins of their lingering relationship.

William now realizes the hesitation, the unwillingness, the mere routines... its no longer his deranged imagination as he had once thought... Nevertheless, the love for her never did change. He embraced her as he always had, arms around her lower back, face tucked into the side of her delicate neck, harassing her dark silky hair, breathing in, once again, that familiar smell..."the scent of Afrodite herself". He sensed the growing crack between the walls of their love. And, to him, it was only him to blame, after leaving her for such a long time, she was still getting used to the past comfort which had finally returned. At least that's what he consoled himself with, but at the back of his mind, he knew there was more than just customary subject..."Of course, its probably just my imagination" he thought, keeping that ridiculous idea unreacheable for now but yet he offered the only thing he could... himself

Home Sweet Home (Part 5)

Time begins to close in on him as his perpetual journey comes to a silent end. William finally reaches his destination, his very own origin that is. He takes a life-changing step out of the brilliant yellow cab. Standing right outside his very own bi-levelled house, his origin, his destination, in awe of it's architectual ingenious which was once just a part of the past of mediocracy. Gazing at this house as if it were never his, as if the house itself was of the utmost importance. "Home sweet home" he thought. He takes a solemn, deep yet satisfying breath and paces toward the doorsteps of the house, somewhat obvious of anticipation. He lays his backpack on the green lush doormat, expecting to embrace his beloved. He knocks on his very own door for the first time in years, listening attentively to any sort of movement in the house, anything to indicate her presence. He hears a tweek in his house, recognizing it to be from the stairwell. He was overwhelmed with emotions of such bliss, it could be imaginary. The door is opened, his call was answered.

There was a pause for a moment, it didnt seem to be an awkward pause but a pause which had to be, only to recall her beauty and ellegance, not just through a mere hand-held picture but through full-fledged, full-blown flesh and blood. The awkward only came through her momentary unwilling hesitation to embrace him as her lover. Her distinct one-of-a-kind beauty compensated for small details. He shrugged the thoughts of her hesitation as his mere imagination, embracing her only as he was supposed to. She was in tears, not weeps or sobs, but tears of joy and relief; relieved that William was finally back in her grasp and overjoyed that she is back in his. They talked...for a while, exhanging experiences and thoughts as time passed by.

The night was young but William wasn't. He was exhausted. She was somewhat relieved not only that he had fallen fast asleep in her arms but also because she couldn't bare the thought of any physical intimacy now. She couldn't bare the thought of anything too intimate only... only because after all those nights, all those promiscuous nights, all the deceit was still well acquainted with her. She condones her deceit for now, just for tonight with the security of William's presence. She silently, yet reluctantly dozes off into the night as she lie arm in arm with William, her one true love...

William (Part 4)

William, a relentless lover...no,the relentless lover, flashes back through the wits of time while he endures this distant ride home. Yet, through distance comes anticipation. This distance, clawing through his fragile innards, allowing him only to think of the times which he had once taken for granted. The times which he now have come to terms with. The times which he is now anticipating. Only this time around, he wouldn't make such a foolish mistake again.

There was once a mistake.A mistake which he had had the priviledge of a second chance. All this travelling, all this distance, all this time... only present because of this mistake. He was somewhat disgruntled with the past. His life was "pointless and unfullfilling" as he put it. The past had brought him only a "mediocre lifestyle", a woman, few friends and a... well, it's obvious... it wasnt much to him then. He was tired and weary of his life. Through the experiences of this distant "trip", he has come to realize, it was not his surroundings which had bothered him, it was him... he was insatiable. Now, through his pioneer ideal, that which was once "mediocre" is now glorious, she who was once just "a woman" is now his enticing lover, the measely quantity of his friends was irrelevant because now all he saw were life-long friends of quality, not quantity. It's revolutionary, he was a changed man.

The sight of a deer across the highway had drew him back to reality for a moment. He looked in his hands once again, holding the only reminder of his purpose or destination, the picture of his "one and only" as he referred to her. Once again, thoughts drifting astray, this time, to that of their first meeting. "Death by Chocolate", daunting as it may sound, that was it, their first meeting. She stood gracefully behind the counter, supposedly as cashier, "How may I help you today?" she said. William, standing in astoundment facing her, was speechless. He somewhat froze through the amazement of her beauty, her absolute, pure, innocence refined by her elegance and undeniable allure. Again she asked "May I help you today?", he wiped that primative look off his face; that absurd(yet inevitable) look every guy has the very first time they are mesmerized, chances are by lust. But this was different, he wasn't insensibly gazing at her provocative body as most guys did, it was her stunning brown eyes but for now, he snapped out of it. He answered her, and through a series of somewhat obscure and unrecalled words, she calmly accepted his invitation to their very first "date". Later, snowballing into episodes of perpetual meetings or dates, leading to their current status, what seemed to him as an inseparable bond.

The Photograph (Part 3)

He silently lay on the lush green hills...alone, trying hard to achieve a serene state... He tries, he tries hard, he tries his hardest, and yet, without her... he can't... without her inflatuating smile, without her irresistable kiss, without her affectionate hold... He's lost. He dreams of her at night he says "life without her is like not living life at all"... Cliche as it might sound, to him, it is an inevitability... To him, life's everyday experiences can only achieve so much pleasure... The rest lies within a secret... A secret which only each man can find within himself... His secret is her... her smile, her touch, her kiss.

He ready's himself for a long journey home with only her on his mind. The thought of her fornication had never crossed his naive mind before. It couldn't have, she was all he had. He desperately needed hope. Yet, the truth of the hope was of no significance at all, or at least for now. He was blinded by his deranged obsession of her. The hope he had was not but false and yet, he was too naive to realize that. And so, he continued his journey with nothing but an illusion, waiting to be shattered at the absolute anticipated destination. He pulls himself together, packs up some food, water and the only other item which he had always carried aside from his pocket-knife, a photograph of her. He sets off for the long bus ride, clutching a picture of her in his solid hands, keeping an image of her rigidly in his mind.

She, waiting impatiently at home but at the same time, nervous and distressed by her infidelity, keeping in mind her preposterous accusation or as she called it, a "consolation". Now that her little lover boy had headed home(wherever that might be), she feels somewhat at ease with a hint of vulnerability. She paces back and forth, as if angered or agitated, deciding on the outcome of this dilemma. She finally comes to rest, lay on her satin red couch, restless and wearied, inconclusive of what shall be. She is grossly sickened by what she sees in the mirror; an adulterine, no...worse, what she sees is beyond the civilized measures of words. She looks deep within herself to find the word...a libertine in a body of a trickster she thought, sickened by the very image of herself. At that particular moment, she glances to her left, seeing the photograph of William. All the feelings of guilt, dissapointment and disgust go astray into the depths of her mind as she sees William at his best.

Consolation (Part 2)

She sleeps...somewhat agitated, restless. Tossing and turning as her delicate brunette hair folds gently over her pillow case, yet harassing her anxious face... Anxious, nervous, troubled because she was expecting a letter...a letter from her distant lover. She knew the letter was about to arrive soon, probably the very next day but was still absolutely clueless as to the content of the letter which he had written. He, William, the distant lover, the credible spouse, the ardent lover, who had travelled for thousands of miles away from home. He ,who had been away for far too long, is finally heading home. But it was to be a surprise hidden within the passionate words of the letter... for her eyes only.

Finally, she gives in to her anxiety. She sits up, pressing the bed sheet onto her bare-skinned figure; velvet skin so smooth, it could be mistaken for silk. trying not to expose so much as a glimpse of her bare chest. She crept out of bed which was now all scrunched up not only through the coarse of sleep but also through more occasional sensual and intimate activities. She tries not to awake the rugged man beside her. The man whom she only had met the night before who had accompanied her home after she had become somewhat tipsy over several margaritas. Unable to resist her deranged appeal toward this man, she had exposed herself to him intimately. She tries not to awake him. Walking to her computer, she was surprised to see that she had just received a mail. She clicks on it, hands shaking, figeting, somewhat nervous... It's a letter from William (that one kiss)... She reads it covertly as it is for her eyes only. She glances behind, making sure her little lover boy is asleep then continued her intense reading.

Guilt overthrows any sense of security. She breaks out in tears but weeps silently... alone, knowing the extent which she had betrayed him, knowing full well the loyalty he had for her and yet... She paused. Trying hard to pull herself together, she consoles herself with her feeble unworthy words "He was partly to blame too, I needed some security and comfort, and he was too far away to provide me with either". With this, she rids herself of the unbearable guilt, leaving a sense of accusation towards William's "inadequacy".

*"The One Kiss (part 1)" is the letter she receives for those of you who had not figured it out... To be continued*

That One Kiss (Part 1)

I've been across Asia, i've seen the seas in Africa, i've been through the storms of Canada, i've even been through the hills of New Zealand... and yet, all i feel, all i see, all i hope for is you... You who have kept me going all these years... you who have left me helpless in your hold which drowned my thoughts only in you... you who could leave me breathless without a single gasp of air and yet, keep me alive through one, just one infatuating kiss... The kiss which had ferociously scattered my heart in a blizzard, not of cold, windy snow, but a blizzard of bliss...eternal bliss... Bliss which had allowed me to believe in that one kiss... to believe that i'm invincible in the midst of that one kiss... to believe in that one, that very one kiss, with you...

I've been through the streets of South Africa, i've been through the towns of Shanghai, i've seen the sky-scrapers in Calgary...but i just want to come home... home, to my family, to my friends, to you... you who had remained at a status of boundless perfection... you who have only obtained such grace and composure... you who have proved yourself worthy of being impeccable, untainted, absolutely flawless... Such a smile which refuses to be denied... such a smile leaving me only with a paradisiac illusion of an impenetrable euphoria...constant and abiding... such a smile which steals away all the troubles and ponders of reality...

Because of this, this distance, this travelling, this separation, i want to be beside you, i want to breath a familiar smell, i want to hear that seductive voice, i want to see that captivating smile, i want to feel those sweet tender lips once more... i'm coming home just for that, that familiarity, that one provocative kiss...

*the life of a desperate lover, pleading only for one other, the perfect one...to be continued*

NOTE: This is something I am NOT personally going through right now. It is just something to get my writing started again and this will be continued, the love is not the end of it. Stay tuned.

Anti Social

I've given this quite a bit of thought... of why my family for the most part are antisocial... our antisocialness has always been such a mystery to me... I've been trying to figure this out for a year or so now... and FINALLY!!... it hit me... We are antisocial and there's no downside to it... Us, family prefer to keep our lives as family business... Only when someone has earned the trust of family and only then can we let out our life secrets... Why u ask..

Why? well...i've been wondering all this time too... aside from the obvious trust related fact, there's more to it... I feel anyways... So here goes... The ultimate answer I have been searching for... It is because of... people... yes people... friends, relatives, strangers... Nobody listens these days... People do not listen to advice, concerns or just conversations... people are too eager to talk and chat and begin a conversation instead of having a conversation... And I don't mean a conversation as in a long, dull senseless crap which people seem to exceedingly indulge in... I mean conversations about life... about where we're headed to... about "life's ethics" basically... i was raised to do more than just talk... I was raised to think... think of such things... the unnoticed dilemmas of life... The things that people, as a whole, do not normally think about... The truth which lies beyond the perception of mankind... Thats what I was raised to do... think... and yet, this thinking of such, which I now realize, is not part of the majority of lives... people don't bother to think... and talking about life could sometimes, not bore, but go beyond the capability of most... I believe that many people refuse to comprehend the truth or life's meaning, life's purpose, life's ethics...

My family and I ,on the other hand, chose to embrace this meaning and purpose... We chose to pursue this meaning to life... I choose to do so, only because I think that only through finding and achieving our purpose in life, can we enjoy life's wonders... Only through this can we achieve the inner peace which I've heard so much of and yet, failed to see a success... We strive for this inner peace... and I think lots of people do but never seem to grasp their own lives within this concept.. and I feel that life has a meaning and a purpose which is beyond just me and you... and I intend...no I have begun the pursuit of this meaning... As I said, my destination is satisfaction and I will not accept any less... more is always an option... But along the way, I shall enjoy this journey of clustered emotions and mysteries...

The Unwritten Letter [of a mother]

My husband gives me an A
for last nights dinner
an incomplete for my ironing
a B plus in bed
My son says I am average, but if
I put my mind to it
I could improve
My daughter believes
in Pass/Fail and tells me
I pass. Wait 'til they learn
I'm dropping out
*Hahaha*

Death

Death, be not proud of thyself
For thou art cursed amongst men
For thou hath devoured the life of many
Many men of solemn and august
and yet, thou exult the men of smut and perversity
Death, be not proud of thyself
For the days of darkness shalt strike thy insolence
For I shalt not be weary of thee
And thou shalt not be feared
For even thou shalt meet thy trumpet of doom
The time shalt come for when I shalt defy thee
I shalt march through the Kingdom of Heaven
and I shalt contemn thee
For I will no longer be bounded by thy fate
And I shalt be free

Stupidity

People in this civilization, this current generation, the generation "Y"(i think)... the citizensof this society are no longer the clons of the past generations, the historical civilizations.. in fact, the society of today have vastly deteriorated beyond the lengths of the kings and queens of the, lets say, French Revolution... Not just the flashy, razzle-dazzle technology... but the mentality of people, the emotional stages of every distinct individual... People have changed and change is an inevitability...change is progress or change could also be regression(a step behind)... Unfortunately for us humans, the change in(the majority of) people have taken a sudden"U-turn" back... The technology which are created by these people are more advanced than anything we have ever seen before... but as I try to point out over and over again, it's not about materials... People as a whole and as an individual have to grow, gain, progress toward to betterment of humanity...

But it seems that stupidity and ignorance have consumed us... Arrogance, insensitivity, rapaciousness, greed, corruptness, delinquance, vicious malevolent characteristics have gradually yet, effectively crawled out of the sinful hearts of man... Just as a parasites suck the life out of its prey... These so called characteristics, too, have ripped through the feeble hearts of man, only to fester in the minds and souls...Lingering, waiting, craving for stupidity and ignorance to liberate the mind of all innocence and intelligence... and yet, people remain abiding to their very imbecillic and idiotic ways... People sit and stare at themselves, realizing there's a stupendous problem which cannot be cured by the wits of time... and yet, refusing, no... defying the very essence of the problem, themselves, ourselves...
How do I define stupidity and ignorance? Well... why bother, just look around us; the media, the people speak louder than words...

We have guided missiles and misguided men (Martin Luther King Jr.)

What Has Become of Us?

I've been working on a project regarding the world and the people in this civilization... What is becoming of us? What is happening to this world? We're all sinners, always have been and always will be... but have we become so blantant and absolutely oblivious to our wrong-doings? Homosexuality has become a major part of our world... Consumerism precedes ahead of morals and ethics... People kill and die for worldly possessions... Casual sex plays a big part in the majority of the society... Genocides in Africa going about absolutely blundered by the "high society"...Drugs plagues the minds of children... Teenagers being "socially" separated in cliques... Children, teenagers, adults; all drifting away from the teachings of their religion... Media, Hollywood influencing the young intelligent minds of our society towards the indulgence in consumerism... Terrorist organizations up and about scheming ways to take revenge... The worlds single, most famous and infamous country, absent-mindedly disregarding the lives of thousands of lives for the sake of what? Democracy or Oil??? While the rest of the world are preoccupied with their daily routines; work, classes, house chores yada yada yada... But whats happening...People in this age and time are gradually losing touch with our world... losing sight of what man was made to be... losing all sincere contact with others... People are getting accustomed to the wretchedness of this world... losing sight of the rights and wrongs... instead, indulging in what the majority of people may do... So much pain and suffering amongst people of different races, backgrounds, families, friends...All this is because of our outright ignorance(which stretches across galaxies) towards right or wrong..instead, ignoring and pushing aside the sins of man.. the wrong of us feeble humans... the acceptance of unambiguous suffering, murderous anguish, suicidal pain...Pain is not an inevitability, its an outcome or consequence of our actions...Our actions and doings cause us to be happy, painful, sorry, dissapointed, etc... Ignorance toward such unmistakable wrong doings can only cause pain, agony and suffering... People try to blame others, blame parents, blame friends, blame teachers, blame God but...We, OURSELVES, are causing a manifestation of a suffering amongst our fellow people and to ourselves... Such irreversible affliction which is so simple and plain but apparently, hard to comprehend...Are we really the civilized people we refer ourselves as? Are we of such ignorance to indulge in this oblivious massacre of people in this time and age? Are we really of such crudeness to be proud of these wretched people we have turned into? This indulgence in the superiority of stupidity...

The Holocaust

Lately, in my religion class(student of a Catholic school), we have been... not studying but trying to faintly relive the Holocaust... to scarcely feel what the victims have felt.. Feeling the emotions of these victims is absolutely impossible... How could anyone re-enact such agony and suffering of millions of people...

The Holocaust has always brought in varying thoughts. My thoughts on the Holocaust evolves around a sick and sadistic plan of an ambitious and relentless determination of a merciless man. The Holocaust was a long-thought-of plan just to eliminate those who weren't of the Aryan race, mainly Jews. Although this plan was of such mawkish determination, this plan was undoubtedly ethically and morally unsound. This plan which was thought of just to further "perfect" the human race(and of course HItler's dislike towards Jews) was unsound then and still is now. This cruel result to the past victims makes the word discrimination seem fatally weak. While the Jews were not only stripped of their worldly properties but to millions of these victims, slaughtered inhumanely which leaves all others to feel a sense of disgust and agony.

The most fatal thought is the thought of even being able to plan out such an inhumane, monstrous and heartless genocide which have hurt millions of people, not only victims but others too. I don't feel that I have much of a right to express my insignificant thoughts compared to the millions before me who have suffered pain and anguish which in a way, is incomparable to any other wretchedness.

But I can say that the truth of the Holocaust have left me with sorrow for the victims and anyone who was involved with the victim. It has also caused a great dent in the history of mankind, mainly because of the killings but also because of the insanity of one man which was pursued by many others (the Nazis). The pitiful indulgence of mankind in utter stupidity is quite the disappointment and more of a letdown to the so called "perfected" creatures called man.

I Remember

For the past few months or even the past year or so... I have been struck by recalls of my childhood days... my childhood days where I used to go to church every Sabbath day... days where I used to strive toward God... days where I used to strive to alleviate my christianity... days where I used strive to the accompaniment of God... I remember the days where God was my main goal.. where God was not just a dream or just a man-made image... where I was repeatedly exhilarated by the omnipresence of God... where God was an enthusiastic part of my life... where even if the world were annihilated, it didn't matter because God gave me an utter sense of security which was perpetually resembled by the eternal love and everlasting care of an affectionate parent(or more so parents)...

But now... now I fret... now I fear... now I'm immensely insecure by the warring hearts of mankind... Now, I have gradually and painfully lost this security... I have subconsciously lost sight of the Alpha and Omega, the Savior, my Guardian, my God... I cannot lie to myself and announce Him as my God and yet, not offering myself fully into His guardianship... I want to find Him once again... I want to be able to feel the immense satisfaction of the connection with Him once again... I want to be able to put my life into His nurture and fullfill His demands or wishes He has planned for me even before my toddler days, even before my rugrat days... I sometimes take night walks hoping to catch a glimpse of His presence... hoping that somehow I could find my way back to His endearment... hoping to fall back into the depths of His evermore benevolence...

And I fear... I fear that I can't find Him... I fear that my life cannot once again be put into His ardent love... I fear that I have drifted a little too far from the grasp of His passionate care... I fear that my limited view on God is inadequate... that my love for God is just lacking... I fear that life itself would pull me down to the abyss of influences and temptations without the avail and guidance of God... All I can hope and pray for is that I would once again see the light of day where the presence of God is ecstatic in, around and about me... that I would once again be able to see through the dark and gloomy days of obscured reluctance and antipathy...

Christmas

As time passes by, Christmas draws closer... and yet the meaning of Christmas drifts further away than ever... Christmas has ultimately just deteriorated to become just another festival...just another occasion for a family reunion... just another feast which is consumed by people who do not or have not ever had the slightest clue as to the true life and meaning of Christmas... People who don't really understand what or why Christmas is what it is... And I might be categorized as someone who does not or has not grasped the true meaning of Christmas...

People always say Christmas is a time of giving... We all hear through the media, Christmas is a time of happiness and celebration... But to most people, the sole reason Christmas is what it is said to be is because Christmas is now just another holiday... although it is a little more celebrated in some countries but it has now become just another holiday, another vacation, another chance to indulge in the idleness of humanity... however, I have lost that point of view on Christmas... Christmas is not just another getaway anymore(maybe because finals come right after Christmas)... All I see now in Christmas, is the rememberance of Jesus' birthday... It might not be the exact date of birth of Jesus, but the fact remains... All I see in Christmas is just another reminder... reminder of where we all come from... reminder of what we are made of... A reminder of our Creator... In a way, Christmas is, to me, a memo from Jesus... reminding us that He was born on Christmas and He has died for us(the very same creatures who had killed Him)... reminding us that life is just not about me, myself and I... reminding us that we are not alone as lopsided as the odds may be... reminding us that we are just human after all... and life should not be wasted on the explicit lavishness of the over-spending consumerists...

Christmas has only been interpreted as just another... another common time of entertainment... another average period of festivities... just another joyous occasion... just another holiday... which I feel has been quite the misleading concept of Christmas.

Time

All I can do...is to look forward
forward to the future
despite grief
despite agony
despite regrets
despite bliss
despite glee
despite merriment
despite change
All I can do
is to look to the future

I wonder if I would dissapoint my future
dissapoint myself
dissapoint my family
dissapoint my friends
dissapoint God
dissapoint the world

I wonder if I would get lost
lost in the world
lost in time
lost and alone
without the priviledge of companionship
without the advantage of a relationship
without the hope I require to move on

I wonder where life would take me
life without friends
life without love
life without relationships
or
life accompanied by a soulmate
life replenished with love
life evolving around inevitable relationships

I wonder what time would do
to me, my life
to relationships
to love
to time
to people
to the world

A Miracle

Religion.... The utter meaning of religion(to most people) refers to strict laws of their people... And for the rest of us... religion is just another word... another term used merely to refer to our spirituality... Our spirituality which is often kept behind the curtain, kept in the dark... We(we, as in most fellow christians), are not compelled to pray as most people think... we are not compelled to attend church every week nor every day... We choose to...buildings, to me, do not matter... its not where we go to pray... it is where we stand under the eyes of God... the people and sincerity of the people which matter... How can someone say "not attending church is a sin"??... Worship, prayer and sincerity is, to me, the utmost importance in the realm of spirituality...

If a person who goes to church just for the sake of going, going to repent their sins knowing they're going to do the very same thing the next day, going just to dispose of the guilt of not praying or spending time with God, going to church just cause you're forced to...how could that make someone a better person than someone who is willing to spend as much time as he can talking and having a spiritual relationship with God??... church is not the only place where a relationship can be built with God... the presence of God hails all around us...

I try my best not to judge others(since no one is made perfect) and often don't... but I can't ignore the reality of the world when people come along about their daily lives and inevitably try their best to convince me into their "version" of religion...the "version" where people aren't allowed to join unless inherited in the veins of our body... the "version" where people carry out ridiculous and utterly senseless so called duties of God... the "version" where suicide bombing(taking many other innocent lives along with them) means a stairway to heaven... the "version" where killing others children of God who are not born of the same heritage is encouraged... the "version" where God's name is used in vain to achieve the greed of the human heart... the "version" where the freedom of people is no more important as a worldly property... the "version" where the miracle of life is less appreciated than the worldly consummerism... people often see no ends to the vanity of life...the arrogance to the fact that everyday we live is a miracle... a miracle which we, at most times, can't or won't apprehend... A miracle which others try to comprehend... a miracle of God