I Remember

For the past few months or even the past year or so... I have been struck by recalls of my childhood days... my childhood days where I used to go to church every Sabbath day... days where I used to strive toward God... days where I used to strive to alleviate my christianity... days where I used strive to the accompaniment of God... I remember the days where God was my main goal.. where God was not just a dream or just a man-made image... where I was repeatedly exhilarated by the omnipresence of God... where God was an enthusiastic part of my life... where even if the world were annihilated, it didn't matter because God gave me an utter sense of security which was perpetually resembled by the eternal love and everlasting care of an affectionate parent(or more so parents)...

But now... now I fret... now I fear... now I'm immensely insecure by the warring hearts of mankind... Now, I have gradually and painfully lost this security... I have subconsciously lost sight of the Alpha and Omega, the Savior, my Guardian, my God... I cannot lie to myself and announce Him as my God and yet, not offering myself fully into His guardianship... I want to find Him once again... I want to be able to feel the immense satisfaction of the connection with Him once again... I want to be able to put my life into His nurture and fullfill His demands or wishes He has planned for me even before my toddler days, even before my rugrat days... I sometimes take night walks hoping to catch a glimpse of His presence... hoping that somehow I could find my way back to His endearment... hoping to fall back into the depths of His evermore benevolence...

And I fear... I fear that I can't find Him... I fear that my life cannot once again be put into His ardent love... I fear that I have drifted a little too far from the grasp of His passionate care... I fear that my limited view on God is inadequate... that my love for God is just lacking... I fear that life itself would pull me down to the abyss of influences and temptations without the avail and guidance of God... All I can hope and pray for is that I would once again see the light of day where the presence of God is ecstatic in, around and about me... that I would once again be able to see through the dark and gloomy days of obscured reluctance and antipathy...