All I Can Do

This pain, this agony
not caused by fists
not caused by words
but of inaction

never thought such pain
such loneliness, such helplessness
can be caused by not being hit
can be caused by not being kicked
but by avoiding this brutality

never thought that I could
out of all my heart
abandon someone as I did
throw away the friendship I had
forsaking my will

never thought that, out of it all
that I could allow him to be alone
that I could watch him be alone
while I stood still, afraid
afraid of circumstances and consequences

never thought that, even if
I was defending the ones I loved
I would forsake the one who was close
in order to assure my family
I abandoned a friend in need

I should have went out
I should have helped
I could have helped
I could have done more
Yet, I stood still...

Now, all I can do is regret
live with what guts I have left
live with what dignity I have left
live with the sins I have
live with a lost friend
in hopes of him finding the right path

Awaiting another Holocaust

Coming back home for the first time in a year has been fun... Bored at times but nonetheless fun, afterall i am doing almost nothing progressive for 2 months... but its also been an eye opener... i always thought that home was a sanctuary where men and women of all races could come together as one without worrying about colour, without worrying about culture, without worrying about discrimination... i always thought that this country wasn't one that encouraged racism... but i've been proven wrong yet again...

This nation, Malaysia, a nation made up of peoples of different races has now turned its backs on the ones who are already abandoned... even malaysians are against the forsaken... even my fellow friends are against what I stand for...This so called racist-free country is not as "free" as i thought it was...in fact, they are no better than the Americans themselves... I've been hearing this alot lately "these blacks foreigners have been causing the crime rate to increase" or "its because of these black people that people are afraid to leave their house at night"...calling men "niggers" as if they weren't even of the same flesh and blood... All these comments, all these discriminations, all this is absolute crap... most blacks i see are those who are employed and those who are educated or being educated... almost all the blacks i've seen here are those who merely strive for a decent living just like the rest of us...

But, its the indians who are killing and robbing, its the malays who are unemployed and the indonesians who are stealing, its the cops who are corrupt and the politicians who are swindling... every country despite race, nationality or religion has criminals... yet, people, ignorant and merciless creatures, choose to blame someone other than themselves and since everyone else is already senselessly blaming the blacks...its always the blacks...of course, isn't it the same as the holocaust... the reason for the holocaust in the first place was because the world blamed the jews for anything and everything... as much as men would love to blame this solely on the nazi's, the world was at fault... they tried to run as refugees yet nations refused "their people"... nations refused to accept free people in need of help... oh, i almost forgot, their jews, i'm sure their all bad rite? Aren't the blacks doing the exact same thing right now? Isn't this dejavu? Shouldn't we learn from history? Shouldn't we have stopped this racist bullshit by now?

Oh, wait, i almost forgot, they're blacks, they can't be trusted, they're a nation and culture of criminals, they're a race of punks and drop outs right?
Are we going to wait? Are we going to sit and watch this nation of people live hell on earth? Are we going to help a person who is trapped in poverty and prejudice? or should we wait for yet another Holocaust to happen?

Through the Eyes of a Child

Have you ever felt as if you were alone? As if the world has turned its back against you? As if your life, your will, your opinions don't matter? Have you ever felt the pain of loneliness... the pain of hopelessness, the pain of helplessness? I know I have at some point... the agony of not having anyone to turn to but yourself. The agony of having to look to only yourself for advice. The agony of coming to an empty house, feeling as if there is noone to turn to? Have you ever felt the loss of a loved one? Have you ever felt the constant fear of losing someone you love? There can be a million people around you but at that point, nothing matters... the pain is yours and yours alone. No matter who attempts to help you the pain cannot be shared, the burden is yours. Because afterall, you are the only one who understands the agony. You are the only one who understands the pain.

I might not know much but anyone and everyone has at least felt one of these pains. I've even had the priviledge of experiencing much of these pains. I've felt the pain of loss, the fear of loss, the agony of loneliness, the fear of insignificance, the fear of helplessness. Make these pains into a single agonizing pain and you would find the agony closest to the pain of an African child. A child who has much to offer this world but has yet to have a chance. A child who cries for a mother who has left this world. A child who cries for a father who has abandoned the unbearable and chosen a similar path to his wife. A family who is raised by a sibling or noone at all. A child left alone to "solve" his problems unattended to. A child who has lost all he finds good in life. A child who has been forsaken by the world. A child without a direction to life, without a hope of survival.

People refer to these grown children to be savages and merciless. People blame these teenagers to be nothing but ruffians. People call these adults warmongers, bloodseekers, barbarians. Yet, can anyone truly be blamed for losing hope in life when the world has seemingly turned its back on you. Can anyone be blamed for having no directions in life because there were none. Can a homeless, orphan child be blamed for looking for some sort of security in the company of druglords and men of power???

These so called "savages" and "barbarians" are present because of the pains of loss, the pains of hopelessness, the pains of loneliness, the pains of helplessness, the pains of emptiness. These children, these teenagers, these adults need guidance, not money. This nation needs guidance. This nation needs security. This nation needs education. Children need to understand that druglords and militias arent the only security offered in this world, teenagers need to understand that men could create opportunities. Men need to overlook the gluttony to find hope in this seemingly abandoned nation... for the sake of a loved one, for the sake of the next generation, for the sake of survival.

Help or Help Destroy

Lately, as any reader could pick out, I have caught an interest in the situation of Africa. It has become more than just sympathy. The climbing death rates due to the gluttony of war, the unforseen famines, the impact of the plagues have all come together to be one in Africa. Blame it on the Africans, as many of you may, but afterall, they are people. People of dreams, people of character, children of the world.

This problem is not just theirs, it ours. Africans deserve rights to live just as we do but it seems that as time passes, we have overlooked their rights; it seems that afterall, Africa has become the crater of the earth; it seems that due to time, Africa has been forgotten. Our vain knowledge on Africa has forced us away from "their" situation. Our vanity on this issue has caused us to ignore... or rather accept the fact that they are being deprived of their God given right to survive. Ignorance has caused us to shut an eye on this death-infested nation.

One man's death in North America is a tragedy grabbing all attention of the world. A celebrity is married for the third consecutive time, plagued only by her excessive amount of money, is posted up on every issue of every magazine. A notorious actor passes on of old age, having comfortably lived a life of 80 and the world weeps for his death. I can't fathom the reasoning behind such a thing when tens of thousands of innocent men, women and most of all children suffer excrutiating deaths while millions of others suffers excrutiatingly. I can't grasp the reasoning behind inaction when you understand that there's a child somewhere in Africa crawling on his elbows and knees to reach a food camp seven miles away while a vulture waits on yet another prey. I hear politicians preaching to voters righteously about lending a hand; not helping the positive is encouraging the negative. Men and women shout and cheer wildly for such a speech yet I don't hear of an action taken to help those who are in most desperate need. The world (or at least the first worlds) send out such a strong message to people... Help those in need or forsake them.

Are Africans not as much people as we are? Are Africans not in need, in fact aren't they in THE most desperate need? Are Africans not dying of starvation? Aren't many parts of Africa in a state of war or rather hasn't it become a slaughter-house? If so, why aren't any effective measures taken to help them? There are only two options the world has to offer; either help or help destroy. Apparently, the world has chosen the latter.

One man's death is a tragedy, a million deaths is a statistic.

Happiness and Survival

Survival of the fittest. Is that not what we were taught as kids? Is that not what the community has offered us? Is that not what the world of democracy has become? Society pressures us to survive at any cost. The media tells us to strive for what we want and the best of us would make it. Democracy tells us that the one who works the most is the one who would attain the riches. Agree? Correct me if I'm wrong.

Now, is there such a difference between the first and third world countries? People in the first world claim that those such as the Africans are savages. People in the first world claim that fighting for what they, not want but need is barbaric. Yet, that's all they can do isn't it? Desperate times calls for desperate measures.

People of the first world, I dare say, strive for a "befitting" house. Those of the third world, on the other hand, fight for what shelter they can find. People of the first world work their whole lives to educate their children to fullfill what they never had a chance to. People of the third world risk their lives to feed a family of seven. First worlds offers opportunity, third worlds forces them. First worlds promote leisure, third provokes survival. First worlds pursue pleasures while the third worlds struggle to avoid anger.

Third world countries such as Africa have been and still is war stricken caused by the gluttony of the first, the third and every other world in between. A place as such is plagued by famine and starvation. Days pass as men are plagued by fatal diseases while women bear an infant of little hope praying that the quantity of children would create opportunities. Opportunities are their ONLY hope; their only option, in their minds, are the rabbit-like quantity(and sizes) of infants. They are not repulsive savages. They are people of the same calibur, people of flesh and blood, people who are desperate for hope. This very same desperation has compelled them, just as we would, to survive.

Men are men, despite the cultures, men are still men. Our pursuit is happiness, our obligation is survival.

Africa Forsaken

Ever heard of the starvation in Africa, the famine, the druglords, the militia, the apparent five-child-per-family policy? Of course you have. Thats all we hear about; the negative, the problems, the deaths....none of which offer a solution.

The world powers offer a apparently simplistic solution, "send them some money". The rest offer an even more effective solution, "leave them be". The African governments request the ultimate solution, "send us more money". And yet, over and over again, millions of dollars later, the druglords get richer, the militiamen expands its army, the corrupt governments gets even more corrupt, politicians claiming to support the people while gluttoning over anything they can get their hands on. And yet, after all these years, farmers continue to forcefully impregnate their malnutritioned wives in hopes of more farmers. And yet, with these millions of dollars, millions others continue to die of starvation, dying at shootouts, dying of premature or malnutritioned birth.

To think that after such a lengthy period of time, the "civilized" (even undeveloped) nations would come to their senses. Maybe for once, money is NOT the solution to the world's problems. Maybe for once, people need direction, people need guidance, people need education. The good-willed donations goes to the fundings of militias, all unaccounted for. Instead of funding militias, why not build schools? Why not hire educators? Why not help these people help themselves? Why not fund schools instead of weaponary? Oh, yeah, that can't be done since thats how countries have become world powers - through war. Well, now those countries are the world powers that they are, it doesn't stop there; one war leads to another and before you know it, there's another war, yet again, spending...no burning not millions but trillions of dollars on yet another missile with lower visibility and higher casualty with compliments of a larger offensive range. I can't come to grasp a concept which provokes more death in the midst of death. I can't grasp a concept provoking anger in the midst of revenge. I can't come to grasp the priority of weaponary over education.

The media has brainwashed the majority of us. People have not come to believe the lies of the media world; people have merely grew tired of Africa, people have abandoned all hope of survival in Africa. All the movies, the news, the songs, the donations, the organizations, the...(well you get the point), people have seen all this, believing that by supporting these causes blindly, a whole nation would revolutionize. Yet, that very nation is deteriorating, that very nation is holding on its last thread of survival facing the world's back, forsaken and unwanted. The lives of millions hang on this thread of life and death, having war and famine to push them off this thread and education to build a foundation of life.

Despite this obvious choice between war and education, the proclaimed "world powers" choose to fuel this fire(war) with more wood(money). Despite the daily deaths of the innocent, these world powers(who ironically claim to fight only the righteous wars) have forsaken this African nation only to assure fundings for more war. Despite the righteous claims of the majority, people have yet to give up control, money and power for the betterment of millions.

Isn't it as simple as savage and civil? Isn't it as simple as war and education? Isn't it as simple as life and death? Or am I just being a little too optimistic.

Then and Now

Then,
life was great
we lived on edge
everyday we could
despite the crater
lying between our feets
despite the drowning ocean
floating between our hearts
life was great
although we had tried
although we gave up
it refused to last
it refused to remain great
the binding lights have dimmed
the promised stars had vanished
the candles of death crept up
to our feeble young feets
and to our mindless hearts
and blown out our lights
with a wind of grudges and regrets
all because of this very
crater and ocean
am i wrong my love?
maybe so

Now,
i could have it all again
as you already do
my lights are beginning to spark
my stars are lit
dim, yet vibrant in my heart
but not because of you
not because of your smile
the candles of death
are all burnt out
but so are we
she has offered me light
she has offered me stars
she has offered me candles
not of death but of hope
she has offered me
something of which you didnt
something of which you couldnt
but i faulter
because of you,
not your touch
or your once loving eyes
but the crater and ocean
we once had
it terrifies me
to read again a tragedy
am i of such cowardice?
maybe so

Inevitable Night (Part 8.5-Alternate ending)

The anticipated night had reluctantly crept up amongst them... The inevitable was finally here. It was time for them to face the reality whether it be harsh or not...The night brought about a clear glittery sky full of stars and hope... William had arranged for a quiet beach starlit dinner...it was nostalgic, reminding them of their first romantic date, where they still had the passion and eagerness of young love... Now as they sit across each other, where they had once made passionate love, with the presence of the eagerness and the absence of the passion... They both had secrets that night, William's was in a black box crept up in his pocket; her's were at the tip of her tongue, both yearning to let it all out...

The unbearable restlessness forces them both to call out to each other, clashing tongues cause them to pause... "You go first hun" William said; he had already waited this long, he was willing to wait forever for her... "Alrite" she says, she takes a deep breath, inhaling all the insecurity and deceit and acquainted lies along with the sweet familiar smell of William's musky cologne... As she exhales, she realized she was the cause...it was as if she had exhaled the toxication of the insecurity and dishonesty... she was lyin to herself all this while, she was the cause... She glanced back into William's eyes, looking deep into his soul, as if already begging for forgiveness... "It is my fault, I havent been fully honest with you William..." William stops her right there... He had long realized his naive illusion... He had long understood her illicit affairs... He had long known her unfaithfulness yet, at that time, he refused to know; he always had hope and passion(and an illusion) to overcome such small details...Now, the truth lays right before them...

William finally allows his reason to overcome his illusion of hope... As she continues, "I'm not worthy William, I have strayed while you were away and I was confused and...." William stands up... While his hands were reaching into his pocket, he thought of what had had him striving all this time, he thought of all he had before and all that was him... it was her... Her loving touch, her familiar smell, her stunning smile, her one-of-a-kind charisma...and most importantly her once undoubted loyalty. His loyalty had kept him going for years, yet she had failed to understand that, she had failed to do the same...

He reaches into his pocket while exhaling such passion which was once mistaken to be love... In his hands, a black box...He gracefully walks toward her as if there were no complications whatsoever... He stops right in front of her, kneels down on a knee... looks right into those eyes he had once yearned for while he held her warm yet trembling hands... There was a pause as he glanced right inot her eyes, as if to forever remember what he had fought for, what he would have died for...He had a calm smile on his face, one she was bound never to forget...He gently pulled out her hand, placing the black box in her anxious sweaty palms... He leans over to her ear and whispers "I love you baby"...He stands up and walks away...A tear flows down her cheek, she was awestruck, swept off her feet by his words, yet buried by guilt and shame... She opens the black box to find a folded letter of some sought... written in it "I had always known you had brought other men to feel your womb as I did yet I never wanted to acknowledge it, now I'm forced to..and I'm the only one to be blamed, I had left you, I had abandoned you. This is now the last time I'll ever have you hurt by me again...I'm sorry, Lucy, I've always loved you and always will"

Inevitable Night(Part 8)

The anticipated night had reluctantly crept up amongst them... The inevetable was finally here. It was time for them to face the reality whether it be harsh or not...

The night brought about a clear glittery sky full of stars and hope... William had arranged for a quiet beach starlit dinner...it was nostalgic, reminding them of their first romantic date, where they still had the passion and eagerness of young love... Now as they sit across each other, where they had once made passionate love, with the presence of the eagerness and the absence of the passion... They both had secrets that night, William's was in a black box crept up in his pocket; her's were at the tip of her tongue, both yearning to let it all out...

The unbearable restlessness forces them both to call out to each other, clashing tongues cause them to pause... "You go first hun" William said; he had already waited this long, he was willing to wait forever for her... "Alrite" she says, she takes a deep breath, inhaling all the insecurity and deceit and acquainted lies along with the sweet familiar smell of William's musky cologne... As she exhales, she realized she was the cause...it was as if she had exhaled the toxication of the insecurity and dishonesty... she was lyin to herself all this while, she was the cause... She glanced back into William's eyes, looking deep into his soul, as if already begging for forgiveness... "It is my fault, I havent been fully honest with you William..." William stops her right there... He had finally grew out of his naive illusions...

He glanced into her eyes, full of guilt and shame, as if her heart was being ripped out by the Angel of Death for such a wretched sin... He could not bare to hear her last words... He could not bare to hear her say it... He could not bare to know that she had been defiled by another man, in fact many other men... He knew she was sorry, she was begging for forgiveness... At that moment, he slipped his hand off hers... William was never one to shed a tear, but at that moment, he couldnt do anythin but... She grabbed his hand out of desperation... He looked at her in disgust and dismay, pulling his hand back as if her hands were of fire and ice...

That was it... "I trusted you, I pained for you, I ached for you, I loved you.." William reluctantly says... He reaches into the depths of his pocket, dragging out a black box... "I loved you.." With his final words, he lays the black box on the table and walks away...He didnt care where, as long as it was away from her

She reaches for the box, on it writes "My love, for all eternity" She weeps, once again, alone but this time, there were no other guys, there were no awaiting letters, just her and this black box... She slowly opened the box, weeping more and more, louder and louder, every inch it opened... As she expected, an engagement ring awaited in the box, on it writes, "Thank you for awaiting me, my love" She wails histerically as she had just grasped the significance of the mistakes she had made, all those weary illicit nights had led to this one night, this one inevitable night...