Despite the comfort, despite the security, despite William, deceit is the only plague in her dreams. William is home, yet its still not the same. She used to embrace him with such affection, such devotion, such warmth but now...it wasn't the same. The usual peck on the cheek was given only through hesitated routine. Her hands used to caress his somewhat unrefined cheeks with absolute passion, now she had lost that sense of amore. At night, she was accustomed to embracing his coarse body. The body which was, to her, once magnificent and robust...now merely indifferent. All this changes, not in actions but in the passion of the action, happened not because she had lost interest in him. No... no thats far too pathetic. It was her, her distress, her indecision, her deceit that had made her feel "no less than she should" she thought. All those promiscuos nights, those fornicated nights, those cursed nights... all those lies... she was unworthy. Logic was of no consolation right now for she had surpassed rationality. Her abominable "replacement" (as she once thought) of William had degraded her to that of an unworthy trollop. She could not bare the thought of accepting such allegiance from William but at the same time, she loved him dearly. She refused to let go of him; his keen smile, his fond gaze, his amity... So, this being said, she thought "that's all I can do for now"... that's all she can do; to detach, to sever, to live divvied, yet to love, to hope and to embrace what's left of the ruins of their lingering relationship.
William now realizes the hesitation, the unwillingness, the mere routines... its no longer his deranged imagination as he had once thought... Nevertheless, the love for her never did change. He embraced her as he always had, arms around her lower back, face tucked into the side of her delicate neck, harassing her dark silky hair, breathing in, once again, that familiar smell..."the scent of Afrodite herself". He sensed the growing crack between the walls of their love. And, to him, it was only him to blame, after leaving her for such a long time, she was still getting used to the past comfort which had finally returned. At least that's what he consoled himself with, but at the back of his mind, he knew there was more than just customary subject..."Of course, its probably just my imagination" he thought, keeping that ridiculous idea unreacheable for now but yet he offered the only thing he could... himself
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Monday, April 09, 2007
Home Sweet Home (Part 5)
Time begins to close in on him as his perpetual journey comes to a silent end. William finally reaches his destination, his very own origin that is. He takes a life-changing step out of the brilliant yellow cab. Standing right outside his very own bi-levelled house, his origin, his destination, in awe of it's architectual ingenious which was once just a part of the past of mediocracy. Gazing at this house as if it were never his, as if the house itself was of the utmost importance. "Home sweet home" he thought. He takes a solemn, deep yet satisfying breath and paces toward the doorsteps of the house, somewhat obvious of anticipation. He lays his backpack on the green lush doormat, expecting to embrace his beloved. He knocks on his very own door for the first time in years, listening attentively to any sort of movement in the house, anything to indicate her presence. He hears a tweek in his house, recognizing it to be from the stairwell. He was overwhelmed with emotions of such bliss, it could be imaginary. The door is opened, his call was answered.
There was a pause for a moment, it didnt seem to be an awkward pause but a pause which had to be, only to recall her beauty and ellegance, not just through a mere hand-held picture but through full-fledged, full-blown flesh and blood. The awkward only came through her momentary unwilling hesitation to embrace him as her lover. Her distinct one-of-a-kind beauty compensated for small details. He shrugged the thoughts of her hesitation as his mere imagination, embracing her only as he was supposed to. She was in tears, not weeps or sobs, but tears of joy and relief; relieved that William was finally back in her grasp and overjoyed that she is back in his. They talked...for a while, exhanging experiences and thoughts as time passed by.
The night was young but William wasn't. He was exhausted. She was somewhat relieved not only that he had fallen fast asleep in her arms but also because she couldn't bare the thought of any physical intimacy now. She couldn't bare the thought of anything too intimate only... only because after all those nights, all those promiscuous nights, all the deceit was still well acquainted with her. She condones her deceit for now, just for tonight with the security of William's presence. She silently, yet reluctantly dozes off into the night as she lie arm in arm with William, her one true love...
There was a pause for a moment, it didnt seem to be an awkward pause but a pause which had to be, only to recall her beauty and ellegance, not just through a mere hand-held picture but through full-fledged, full-blown flesh and blood. The awkward only came through her momentary unwilling hesitation to embrace him as her lover. Her distinct one-of-a-kind beauty compensated for small details. He shrugged the thoughts of her hesitation as his mere imagination, embracing her only as he was supposed to. She was in tears, not weeps or sobs, but tears of joy and relief; relieved that William was finally back in her grasp and overjoyed that she is back in his. They talked...for a while, exhanging experiences and thoughts as time passed by.
The night was young but William wasn't. He was exhausted. She was somewhat relieved not only that he had fallen fast asleep in her arms but also because she couldn't bare the thought of any physical intimacy now. She couldn't bare the thought of anything too intimate only... only because after all those nights, all those promiscuous nights, all the deceit was still well acquainted with her. She condones her deceit for now, just for tonight with the security of William's presence. She silently, yet reluctantly dozes off into the night as she lie arm in arm with William, her one true love...
William (Part 4)
William, a relentless lover...no,the relentless lover, flashes back through the wits of time while he endures this distant ride home. Yet, through distance comes anticipation. This distance, clawing through his fragile innards, allowing him only to think of the times which he had once taken for granted. The times which he now have come to terms with. The times which he is now anticipating. Only this time around, he wouldn't make such a foolish mistake again.
There was once a mistake.A mistake which he had had the priviledge of a second chance. All this travelling, all this distance, all this time... only present because of this mistake. He was somewhat disgruntled with the past. His life was "pointless and unfullfilling" as he put it. The past had brought him only a "mediocre lifestyle", a woman, few friends and a... well, it's obvious... it wasnt much to him then. He was tired and weary of his life. Through the experiences of this distant "trip", he has come to realize, it was not his surroundings which had bothered him, it was him... he was insatiable. Now, through his pioneer ideal, that which was once "mediocre" is now glorious, she who was once just "a woman" is now his enticing lover, the measely quantity of his friends was irrelevant because now all he saw were life-long friends of quality, not quantity. It's revolutionary, he was a changed man.
The sight of a deer across the highway had drew him back to reality for a moment. He looked in his hands once again, holding the only reminder of his purpose or destination, the picture of his "one and only" as he referred to her. Once again, thoughts drifting astray, this time, to that of their first meeting. "Death by Chocolate", daunting as it may sound, that was it, their first meeting. She stood gracefully behind the counter, supposedly as cashier, "How may I help you today?" she said. William, standing in astoundment facing her, was speechless. He somewhat froze through the amazement of her beauty, her absolute, pure, innocence refined by her elegance and undeniable allure. Again she asked "May I help you today?", he wiped that primative look off his face; that absurd(yet inevitable) look every guy has the very first time they are mesmerized, chances are by lust. But this was different, he wasn't insensibly gazing at her provocative body as most guys did, it was her stunning brown eyes but for now, he snapped out of it. He answered her, and through a series of somewhat obscure and unrecalled words, she calmly accepted his invitation to their very first "date". Later, snowballing into episodes of perpetual meetings or dates, leading to their current status, what seemed to him as an inseparable bond.
There was once a mistake.A mistake which he had had the priviledge of a second chance. All this travelling, all this distance, all this time... only present because of this mistake. He was somewhat disgruntled with the past. His life was "pointless and unfullfilling" as he put it. The past had brought him only a "mediocre lifestyle", a woman, few friends and a... well, it's obvious... it wasnt much to him then. He was tired and weary of his life. Through the experiences of this distant "trip", he has come to realize, it was not his surroundings which had bothered him, it was him... he was insatiable. Now, through his pioneer ideal, that which was once "mediocre" is now glorious, she who was once just "a woman" is now his enticing lover, the measely quantity of his friends was irrelevant because now all he saw were life-long friends of quality, not quantity. It's revolutionary, he was a changed man.
The sight of a deer across the highway had drew him back to reality for a moment. He looked in his hands once again, holding the only reminder of his purpose or destination, the picture of his "one and only" as he referred to her. Once again, thoughts drifting astray, this time, to that of their first meeting. "Death by Chocolate", daunting as it may sound, that was it, their first meeting. She stood gracefully behind the counter, supposedly as cashier, "How may I help you today?" she said. William, standing in astoundment facing her, was speechless. He somewhat froze through the amazement of her beauty, her absolute, pure, innocence refined by her elegance and undeniable allure. Again she asked "May I help you today?", he wiped that primative look off his face; that absurd(yet inevitable) look every guy has the very first time they are mesmerized, chances are by lust. But this was different, he wasn't insensibly gazing at her provocative body as most guys did, it was her stunning brown eyes but for now, he snapped out of it. He answered her, and through a series of somewhat obscure and unrecalled words, she calmly accepted his invitation to their very first "date". Later, snowballing into episodes of perpetual meetings or dates, leading to their current status, what seemed to him as an inseparable bond.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
The Photograph (Part 3)
He silently lay on the lush green hills...alone, trying hard to achieve a serene state... He tries, he tries hard, he tries his hardest, and yet, without her... he can't... without her inflatuating smile, without her irresistable kiss, without her affectionate hold... He's lost. He dreams of her at night he says "life without her is like not living life at all"... Cliche as it might sound, to him, it is an inevitability... To him, life's everyday experiences can only achieve so much pleasure... The rest lies within a secret... A secret which only each man can find within himself... His secret is her... her smile, her touch, her kiss.
He ready's himself for a long journey home with only her on his mind. The thought of her fornication had never crossed his naive mind before. It couldn't have, she was all he had. He desperately needed hope. Yet, the truth of the hope was of no significance at all, or at least for now. He was blinded by his deranged obsession of her. The hope he had was not but false and yet, he was too naive to realize that. And so, he continued his journey with nothing but an illusion, waiting to be shattered at the absolute anticipated destination. He pulls himself together, packs up some food, water and the only other item which he had always carried aside from his pocket-knife, a photograph of her. He sets off for the long bus ride, clutching a picture of her in his solid hands, keeping an image of her rigidly in his mind.
She, waiting impatiently at home but at the same time, nervous and distressed by her infidelity, keeping in mind her preposterous accusation or as she called it, a "consolation". Now that her little lover boy had headed home(wherever that might be), she feels somewhat at ease with a hint of vulnerability. She paces back and forth, as if angered or agitated, deciding on the outcome of this dilemma. She finally comes to rest, lay on her satin red couch, restless and wearied, inconclusive of what shall be. She is grossly sickened by what she sees in the mirror; an adulterine, no...worse, what she sees is beyond the civilized measures of words. She looks deep within herself to find the word...a libertine in a body of a trickster she thought, sickened by the very image of herself. At that particular moment, she glances to her left, seeing the photograph of William. All the feelings of guilt, dissapointment and disgust go astray into the depths of her mind as she sees William at his best.
He ready's himself for a long journey home with only her on his mind. The thought of her fornication had never crossed his naive mind before. It couldn't have, she was all he had. He desperately needed hope. Yet, the truth of the hope was of no significance at all, or at least for now. He was blinded by his deranged obsession of her. The hope he had was not but false and yet, he was too naive to realize that. And so, he continued his journey with nothing but an illusion, waiting to be shattered at the absolute anticipated destination. He pulls himself together, packs up some food, water and the only other item which he had always carried aside from his pocket-knife, a photograph of her. He sets off for the long bus ride, clutching a picture of her in his solid hands, keeping an image of her rigidly in his mind.
She, waiting impatiently at home but at the same time, nervous and distressed by her infidelity, keeping in mind her preposterous accusation or as she called it, a "consolation". Now that her little lover boy had headed home(wherever that might be), she feels somewhat at ease with a hint of vulnerability. She paces back and forth, as if angered or agitated, deciding on the outcome of this dilemma. She finally comes to rest, lay on her satin red couch, restless and wearied, inconclusive of what shall be. She is grossly sickened by what she sees in the mirror; an adulterine, no...worse, what she sees is beyond the civilized measures of words. She looks deep within herself to find the word...a libertine in a body of a trickster she thought, sickened by the very image of herself. At that particular moment, she glances to her left, seeing the photograph of William. All the feelings of guilt, dissapointment and disgust go astray into the depths of her mind as she sees William at his best.
Sunday, April 01, 2007
Consolation (Part 2)
She sleeps...somewhat agitated, restless. Tossing and turning as her delicate brunette hair folds gently over her pillow case, yet harassing her anxious face... Anxious, nervous, troubled because she was expecting a letter...a letter from her distant lover. She knew the letter was about to arrive soon, probably the very next day but was still absolutely clueless as to the content of the letter which he had written. He, William, the distant lover, the credible spouse, the ardent lover, who had travelled for thousands of miles away from home. He ,who had been away for far too long, is finally heading home. But it was to be a surprise hidden within the passionate words of the letter... for her eyes only.
Finally, she gives in to her anxiety. She sits up, pressing the bed sheet onto her bare-skinned figure; velvet skin so smooth, it could be mistaken for silk. trying not to expose so much as a glimpse of her bare chest. She crept out of bed which was now all scrunched up not only through the coarse of sleep but also through more occasional sensual and intimate activities. She tries not to awake the rugged man beside her. The man whom she only had met the night before who had accompanied her home after she had become somewhat tipsy over several margaritas. Unable to resist her deranged appeal toward this man, she had exposed herself to him intimately. She tries not to awake him. Walking to her computer, she was surprised to see that she had just received a mail. She clicks on it, hands shaking, figeting, somewhat nervous... It's a letter from William (that one kiss)... She reads it covertly as it is for her eyes only. She glances behind, making sure her little lover boy is asleep then continued her intense reading.
Guilt overthrows any sense of security. She breaks out in tears but weeps silently... alone, knowing the extent which she had betrayed him, knowing full well the loyalty he had for her and yet... She paused. Trying hard to pull herself together, she consoles herself with her feeble unworthy words "He was partly to blame too, I needed some security and comfort, and he was too far away to provide me with either". With this, she rids herself of the unbearable guilt, leaving a sense of accusation towards William's "inadequacy".
*"The One Kiss (part 1)" is the letter she receives for those of you who had not figured it out... To be continued*
Finally, she gives in to her anxiety. She sits up, pressing the bed sheet onto her bare-skinned figure; velvet skin so smooth, it could be mistaken for silk. trying not to expose so much as a glimpse of her bare chest. She crept out of bed which was now all scrunched up not only through the coarse of sleep but also through more occasional sensual and intimate activities. She tries not to awake the rugged man beside her. The man whom she only had met the night before who had accompanied her home after she had become somewhat tipsy over several margaritas. Unable to resist her deranged appeal toward this man, she had exposed herself to him intimately. She tries not to awake him. Walking to her computer, she was surprised to see that she had just received a mail. She clicks on it, hands shaking, figeting, somewhat nervous... It's a letter from William (that one kiss)... She reads it covertly as it is for her eyes only. She glances behind, making sure her little lover boy is asleep then continued her intense reading.
Guilt overthrows any sense of security. She breaks out in tears but weeps silently... alone, knowing the extent which she had betrayed him, knowing full well the loyalty he had for her and yet... She paused. Trying hard to pull herself together, she consoles herself with her feeble unworthy words "He was partly to blame too, I needed some security and comfort, and he was too far away to provide me with either". With this, she rids herself of the unbearable guilt, leaving a sense of accusation towards William's "inadequacy".
*"The One Kiss (part 1)" is the letter she receives for those of you who had not figured it out... To be continued*
That One Kiss (Part 1)
I've been across Asia, i've seen the seas in Africa, i've been through the storms of Canada, i've even been through the hills of New Zealand... and yet, all i feel, all i see, all i hope for is you... You who have kept me going all these years... you who have left me helpless in your hold which drowned my thoughts only in you... you who could leave me breathless without a single gasp of air and yet, keep me alive through one, just one infatuating kiss... The kiss which had ferociously scattered my heart in a blizzard, not of cold, windy snow, but a blizzard of bliss...eternal bliss... Bliss which had allowed me to believe in that one kiss... to believe that i'm invincible in the midst of that one kiss... to believe in that one, that very one kiss, with you...
I've been through the streets of South Africa, i've been through the towns of Shanghai, i've seen the sky-scrapers in Calgary...but i just want to come home... home, to my family, to my friends, to you... you who had remained at a status of boundless perfection... you who have only obtained such grace and composure... you who have proved yourself worthy of being impeccable, untainted, absolutely flawless... Such a smile which refuses to be denied... such a smile leaving me only with a paradisiac illusion of an impenetrable euphoria...constant and abiding... such a smile which steals away all the troubles and ponders of reality...
Because of this, this distance, this travelling, this separation, i want to be beside you, i want to breath a familiar smell, i want to hear that seductive voice, i want to see that captivating smile, i want to feel those sweet tender lips once more... i'm coming home just for that, that familiarity, that one provocative kiss...
*the life of a desperate lover, pleading only for one other, the perfect one...to be continued*
NOTE: This is something I am NOT personally going through right now. It is just something to get my writing started again and this will be continued, the love is not the end of it. Stay tuned.
I've been through the streets of South Africa, i've been through the towns of Shanghai, i've seen the sky-scrapers in Calgary...but i just want to come home... home, to my family, to my friends, to you... you who had remained at a status of boundless perfection... you who have only obtained such grace and composure... you who have proved yourself worthy of being impeccable, untainted, absolutely flawless... Such a smile which refuses to be denied... such a smile leaving me only with a paradisiac illusion of an impenetrable euphoria...constant and abiding... such a smile which steals away all the troubles and ponders of reality...
Because of this, this distance, this travelling, this separation, i want to be beside you, i want to breath a familiar smell, i want to hear that seductive voice, i want to see that captivating smile, i want to feel those sweet tender lips once more... i'm coming home just for that, that familiarity, that one provocative kiss...
*the life of a desperate lover, pleading only for one other, the perfect one...to be continued*
NOTE: This is something I am NOT personally going through right now. It is just something to get my writing started again and this will be continued, the love is not the end of it. Stay tuned.
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